Time for Love

By Helen Fisher, Ph.D.

Kicking leaves, carving pumpkins, pencils, books and work: We’re back in the fall routine. And as we resume our autumn rituals, most of us take stock. Perhaps there’s nothing we ponder more thoroughly than our bedroom habitat. Is someone there? If not, why not? If so, is this The One? Or should someone else reside in this inner sanctum?

We tend to think that spring and summer are the mating seasons—the key times that we engage in the pursuit of happiness. But as autumn gets under way, professionals, entrepreneurs, students, retirees, almost everyone returns to “the hood,” or to clubs, restaurants, gyms, sports and cultural events, and parties–rekindling and expanding their social webs.

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want," wrote critic Joseph Wood Krutch. Like cats, in the autumn, even the meek become emboldened to ask what they want: romance. Some will join Chemistry.com, the Internet dating site I helped design for those looking for a serious relationship. Others will seek a mate at other Internet dating sites, or buy newspapers and magazines to peruse the personals. And as they gather, they will hope for love.

How autumn works its charm
What makes fall such a dynamic mating season? First, it’s important to acknowledge that anytime is a good time for love and sex. Deer court in the fall; female dogs court when they are "in heat;" most female monkeys have a sexual peak in the middle of their monthly menstrual cycle when they ovulate. Humans have no courting or birthing season.

Certainly, summer (the “hot” season) has its thrills. The fireflies and crickets, the pungent smells of roses, barbeque and salty air, the sunning bodies on the beach or grass, the fresh peaches: summer magic invigorates our senses. But as poet John Keats wrote of autumn, "Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness…thou hast thy music too." Keats had it right. As we hurtle toward crisp days and nights, new events-and new floods of chemicals-will propel us toward love.

The chemistry connection
Foremost, in autumn anticipation can run high. And novelty, unpredictability and anticipation can juice the dopamine circuits in the brain, making you feel good – very good. Dopamine is the chemical that courses through the mind when a person foresees winning money, reaches for chocolate or even takes cocaine. And the novelty of autumn can trigger this dopamine response, giving you energy, optimism, focus and motivation, as well as increasing your sex drive.

Autumn days, however, primarily jumpstart the production of testosterone – the premier hormone of lust. Men and women inherit their baseline levels of this potent cocktail. But this hormone also fluctuates according to daily, monthly and annual rhythms. Testosterone is highest in men in the early morning, for example, as well as higher in women just before mid-month ovulation, when they are most likely to initiate sex. But beyond these shifts, in autumn, this sap rises – giving men extra strength, energy, concentration and confidence. Moreover, as testosterone initiates sexual desire, ensuing sexual activity triggers more testosterone. Thus the cycle spins.

Remarkably, even anticipating sex increases testosterone in men. Known as the "lighthouse effect," this relationship was first discovered when scientists measured the beard trimmings of a lighthouse attendant. He lived alone on an island during the week. But every Friday he sped to the mainland to enjoy the weekend with his girlfriend. On Fridays his beard grew more than usual – the effect of testosterone, triggered by sexual desire.

"In the spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love," wrote Alfred, Lord Tennyson. But in late spring and early summer, levels of testosterone are at their lowest. They peak instead in November and early December, when sperm counts are also higher. And this potion works. In the Northern Hemisphere, women give birth more frequently in August and September, nine months after the flood of testosterone in late autumn. This testosterone surge may be part of nature’s plan to turn our thoughts to love in the waning days of autumn and reap love’s rewards during the bounty of late summer. A vestige of the rutting season of many other creatures, autumn may be our primary time to love. This fall, may it be yours.

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., is research professor, department of anthropology; author of Why We Love; and is chief scientific advisor to www.chemistry.com.

The 10 Best Places to Kiss

You lucky single person, you – your dating days are full of adventure and kisses shared in dimly-lit restaurants and on street corners. But where, we wondered, are the very best places to lock lips? You already know about the beach at sunset, under the mistletoe and right smack dab on the mouth. Here, more superior smooch sites to check out when you’re ready to make out.

1. On a roller coaster. Yes, love has its ups and downs, but that’s what keeps it exciting. Kiss at the crest of that first big hill and hang on to each other as you plummet – talk about a rush!
2. On your desk. Research shows that as many as 61 percent of relationships start in the workplace, and 50 percent of office amours lead to marriage (that includes this writer!). So if you’re flirting by the coffee machine or bantering at brainstorming sessions and it isn’t against company rules, take it to the next level (after hours, please; discretion is important!). Don’t have a desk job? Find the nearest supply closet.
3. At a museum. Appreciating a beautiful work of art together can create passion. Why waste it? Give in, whether inspired by Picasso’s ôThe Loversö at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., Gustav Klimt’s ôThe Kissö at Vienna’s Osterreichische Museum fⁿr Angewandte Kunst, or a romantic, moving piece at a local gallery.
4. In the middle of a crowded street. Preferably at rush hour on any given Monday.á Life can be mundane and hectic at the same time, but a sweet, juicy kiss can make an average moment special. To get the idea, think of the iconic image of a sailor smooching a nurse in New York’s Times Square on V-J Day, or Robert Doisneau’s renowned 1950 black and white photo, Kiss by the Hotel de Ville, of a couple mid-lip-lock on a Paris Street.
5. In a dressing room. Are you the type who’s turned on by the idea of a public display of affectionùbut would prefer some darned privacy? The dressing room rendezvous affords the best of both worlds. Plus, it has illicit allure (sneaking someone in where he or she technically isn’t supposed to go) without setting off theft detectors.
6. On a pile of coats. Preferably, with a stranger you met at the party. It’s a mating rite of passage everyone should experience at least once. Guaranteed to irritate other guests!
7. Upside down. You don’t need Spidey skills to pull it off. One person simply sits in a chair and tilts his or her head back while the other person approaches from behind, bends over and plants one. Or try it with one person lying on a couch, head against the armrest, and the other person standing above and leaning over. It’s a little awkward, a little weird – and absolutely wonderful.
8. In the backseat. Find yourselves a lover’s lane, climb into the passion pit, and neck till you steam up the windows. It’s retro romantic.
9. In a downpour. Yes, kissing in the rain is kind of cliché, but if you haven’t tried it, please do. The reason this kiss rules? Everyone else is frantically running for shelter, which makes time seem to stop for the two of you. It’s surreal, and very sexy.
10. In bed, while one of you is asleep. You know from fairy tales that the kiss that awakens can lead to happily ever after. There’s simply no lovelier way to wake up. As the kisser, however, you’re advised to refrain if the kiss-ee is recuperating from a double shift after a bout of insomnia.

by Nina Malkin

7 Quirky Facts About Chemistry

By Laura Schaefer

If you think clicking with another person is all about fate, destiny or a fairy godmother, think again! There’s actually some (very) weird science at work…and here’s proof:

1. Like go-get-’em types? Look for a long fourth finger. Here’s why: If your date’s ring finger is longer than his or her index finger, it’s an indication that he or she was exposed to higher than average amounts of testosterone in the womb, says Dr. John T. Manning of Rutgers University in his book Digit Ratio. This correlates to a personality which tends to be logical, decisive, and ambitious. If these traits tickle your fancy, stick around.

2. Adrenaline is the new oyster. Skip the shellfish and do something daring to bond with a new honey. Research by Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton shows that adrenaline ups our interest in a potential mate. Male subjects in the study were asked to cross two kinds of bridges (one shaky, one sturdy) to talk to an attractive female “researcher” giving a questionnaire. Upon completing the task, the woman gave each subject her phone number. Those subjects who met the woman on the shaky bridge were more likely to call and more likely to ask her on a date. The reason? The exhilaration of being in a risky situation rubs off on the person you’re with, so if you’re looking for some instant sparks on a date, try something a little scary (roller coasters, scary movie, or white-water rafting, anyone?).

3. Women do want to date their fathers. Or, at least, date someone who smells like him. In one study by geneticist Carole Ober, female subjects were asked to sniff t-shirts of various scents and then state their preferences. Over and over again, subjects chose the odors that closely matched those of their dads. So, guys, if you make it to a “meet the parents” moment, take a peek in their medicine cabinet and splash on some of Dad’s aftershave to seal the deal.

4. Don’t let your married friends weigh in on your love life. Think your hitched pals can help you detect good chemistry with a date? Um, no…Science has revealed that your married friends are clueless when they try to give you dating advice. In one study, psychologist Frank Bernieri asked 168 subjects to watch video clips of couples and rate how in love they were. Subjects who were in relationships guessed wrong again and again compared to their single peers. So the next time your friend with the rock on her finger waxes poetic on the intricacies of your love life, smile serenely and then get a second opinion.

5. There’s such a thing as “pill goggles.” Consider these the first cousin to beer goggles—if you’re taking the birth-control pill, ladies, your taste in men may take a turn. That’s because birth control pills affect women’s hormone levels and to whom they are attracted. In one study, researcher Tony Little showed women different images of men and asked them to make their picks. Results show that women on birth control pills tended to choose men with more pronounced masculine features than those who weren’t on the Pill. The downside here? These manly traits are linked to high testosterone levels, aggressive behavior, and even higher divorce rates. So if you’re on the Pill, don’t turn a blind eye to those red flags… your contraception could cloud your judgment and lead you to fall for a less-than-wonderful guy.

6. The longer you’re together, the more simpatico you’ll become. Do you feel the chemistry getting stronger and stronger every day? Are you finishing one another’s sentences? Feeling as if you share one personality? You two may really be merging, says researcher Cameron Anderson, who interviewed 60 couples and roommates. By gauging his subjects’ reactions to a film after they had lived together one year, Anderson found that their personalities tend to converge over time, though the dominant partner changes his or her personality less.

7. Goose those chemicals to keep passion cooking. Those heady feelings of new love do fade over time, but there is an easy way couples in a rut can get ‘em back: By trying novel things together, whether that’s traveling to foreign lands or even just breaking out the Zagat guide to try a totally new restaurant rather than your old stand-by. That’s because new experiences trigger the same chemical reaction in the body as love, says researcher Helen Fisher. So get out there and have an adventure, lovebirds, to keep boredom at bay.

Laura Schaefer is the author of Man with Farm Seeks Woman with Tractor: The Best and Worst Personal Ads of All Time.

Are You Ready To Find The One

It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!

Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the “friend” filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! “If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line—and those that shut the door right away won’t get to find that out,” says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the “romance” filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the “friend” filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common, you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in “Oh, he’s not into music,” or “Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me”), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates. “The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person,” says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be, anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.

Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. “You want to really feel like yourself—your happiest, most excited self,” explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, “Do I like this person?” Also ask yourself, “Do I like myself when I’m around this person?” And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.

Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the “Carpe date-’em” trick
We single people are so afraid of “settling” that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, “It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!” Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment… it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying carpe diem—in Latin, it means “seize the day!” Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go on a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.

Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairytale, but remember that sometimes, the fairytale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash. “Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary,” says Dr. Helgoe. “She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!” So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, “Where are all the good single men and women?” remind yourself they may be standing next to you in line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.

Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, “Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ‘em!” When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, “Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!” Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.

By Amy Spencer

Romantic Chemistry

Few topics in life are more complicated and riddled with contradictions as the question of romantic chemistry. Why, for example, can two people be insanely attracted to each other, but have absolutely nothing to say? How come people can click amazingly online, but feel nothing face to face? And what makes those people who are obviously bad for us so dang irresistible? Believe it or not, these conundrums actually do have logical explanations. So, stop scratching your head and read on for the answers—and some advice on how to handle it if you’re faced with one of these scenarios.

1. How is it that sexual chemistry can be amazing when people have absolutely nothing to say to one another?
   While it’d be nice to have something to say other than “Yes, yes, yes!” to someone you find so irresistible, that’s not always the case. If you feel like certain parts of your anatomy have a mind of their own, it’s because in a way, they do. “Sexual chemistry does not always equal love, and this is because we’ve evolved distinct brain systems for mating,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, research professor in the department of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. “One system controls the craving for sexual gratification. Another system rules over romantic love, that obsessive thinking and craving and focusing on one individual. They’re not always connected, which is why you can be madly in love with someone and only have so-so sex, while you can have intensely passionate sex with someone you never want to see again!” With time, and a little luck, however, lust can lead to more tender feelings. “You can start having sex with someone and then fall in love,” says Dr. Fisher. “Sometimes one thing can trigger the other.” So keep chipping away at making chit chat and you may find yourself enjoying this person’s company out of bed as well as in it.
2. What makes people we know are bad for us so attractive?
   Much like booze, cigarettes and reality TV, we know bad boys and girls are, well, bad for us, but we just can’t help ourselves. Why do we crave something we know is trouble? “I call this ‘frustration attraction.’ It’s a very common part of romantic love,” explains Fisher. “Even if you don’t like someone that much, if you find out she doesn’t like you or people are telling you to dump her, you suddenly want her more! These kinds of relationships could literally become an addiction where you do crazy things: You wait all night by the phone or even join in dangerous behaviors.” If you’re stuck on such a shady character, try to find the reason you’re so smitten: Some people are attracted to the challenge of changing or improving a wayward partner; others may be seeking the added excitement that comes from unpredictable types. Knowing your motivations can help give you control over your emotions—and hightail it out of there if things get too dicey or the relationship starts to self-destruct.
3. Why is it that one person can feel like there’s a great connection, while the other feels nothing at all?
   Miss Manners might be to blame for this dating dilemma. “The truth of the matter is that some people are just very polite,” says Dr. Fisher. “And in their politeness, they are sending signals that the other person misinterprets.” So, if you’re not into someone, make sure you’re not appearing like you are—we’re not saying you should be rude, but definitely keep flirting to a minimum and end the date with a handshake (and don’t say, “We should do this again sometime.”). And if you find yourself on the overly arduous end of this equation? Know that your own feelings could be deceiving you. “When you are madly attracted to someone, you re-interpret everything they do,” says Dr. Fisher. “Your date can be giving every indication he isn’t interested and you still can’t hear him. They say love is blind and it’s true—the emotion is so powerful, it is designed to overlook things to the contrary.”
4. Why is it that you can have great chemistry chatting online or on the phone, but not in person?
   “They call it love at first sight, not at first email,” points out Dr. Fisher. “Eighty percent of what we take into the human brain is visual. So somebody can be clever and charming online, but if you don’t like what you see, it’s not going to work.” Plus, emails can be crafted and re-crafted into how people want to be, not who they actually are in a spontaneous way. “Face to face, people get nervous and clam up and can’t perform,” says Dr. Fisher. This, however, can bode well for you—maybe all it takes is a second or third date for this person to relax and show his or her true personality.
5. Why does the spark of chemistry disappear over time?
   No longer tearing each other’s clothes off every time you meet? You might fear your love is dying, but it’s actually just transforming into something you can handle for the long run. “The calming of passion in a relationship is actually a survival trait,” says Dr. Fisher. “When you’re courting, you do things that are very taxing to your mind and body: You talk until dawn, you forget to go to work, you forget to call your friends, you forget to feed the dog, you dash off and spend all of your money in Paris. If you were to live the next 20 years in that state, you’d certainly die of exhaustion!” Settling into a calmer place can, you see, be a very good thing.

Happy Marriage

12 Tips for a Happy Marriage

Modern married couples just might do well to emulate some of the successful strategies of their happily married parents and grandparents — from sleeping in separate beds to maintaining same-sex friends.

Two newly reissued books originally published in 1913, Don’ts for Husbands and Don’ts for Wives, contain hundreds of tried-and-true tips for a happy marriage. Advice for wives includes such tidbits as “don’t let him have to search the house for you after his day’s work. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold,” and “don’t bother your husband with chatter if he is tired.” And for husbands, “don’t hesitate to mention the fact when you think that your wife looks exceptionally nice,” and “don’t scowl or look severe; cultivate a pleasant expression.”

“Baby boomers got sold by psychology on the idea of being ‘authentic,'” says Terrence Real, therapist, founder of the Relational Life Institute, and co-author of Wonderful Marriage: A Guide to Building a Great Relationship That Will Last a Lifetime. “It’s given us permission to treat and speak to each other horribly. Our grandparents knew better.”

1. Reinstate Civility

   “Please,” “thank you,” “pardon me” and “may I” are phrases that seemed to have all but disappeared from present-day vocabularies, especially with our loved ones.

   After spending time with Wonderful Marriage co-authors Lilo and Gerard Leeds, married for more than 50 years, Real believes you should extend your partner the same courtesy you would a stranger. “When speaking to your spouse, don’t be rude, be respectful. Use a combination of old-school civility and modern frankness.” Additionally, he suggests trying more sweetness and tenderness by saying things more lovingly.

   Psychotherapist and author Tina Tessina, PhD, concurs. “Politeness is like a lubricant for your daily interactions; it makes everything go more smoothly.”

   Joyce Morley-Ball, EdD, a counselor in Decatur, Ga., adds some specifics. “Show her that chivalry is not dead: Pull out her chair, open the door for her, help her over a puddle, give her your coat when it is cold outside, help her to put on her coat. This act of affection shows that she is important and there is a level of respect for her.”

2. Put Pen to Paper

   Back before cell phones and instant messaging, people wrote letters of affection to each other, often waiting weeks to receive them.

   Lilia Fallgatter, author of The Most Important Letter You Will Ever Write: How to Tell Loved Ones How You Feel Before It’s Too Late, advocates reviving the lost art of letter-writing to increase intimacy in a relationship.

   “Love letters exchanged between a couple can strengthen their relationship by helping them to connect to one another on a deeper level,” she says via email. “These letters may also become treasured keepsakes that can be revisited and experienced anew each time they are read.” You’ll reap bonus points if you hand write it on beautiful paper and enclose a cherished memento such as a photograph or ticket stub from a movie you saw together.

3. Sleep As Singles

   It was TV censors who kept sitcom couples in separate beds, but maybe there was wisdom to catching your ZZZs in your own bed.

   When one partner snores or is a night owl, tensions can mount in the marital bed, experts say. It may seem like a throwback a la Ricky and Lucy Ricardo, but many couples happily sleep in separate beds; some even maintain separate bedrooms and eliminate tossing and turning and fights over the blanket.

   And many couples who are secure enough to seek satisfying slumber on their own report using the regained energy for more … loving pursuits.

4. Maintain Same-Sex Friends and Interests

   Don’t for Wives instructs women not to “try to regulate your husband’s pleasures and don’t be jealous if they don’t include you.”

   It’s only been during the past couple of decades that couples expected to share a bulk of their free time together. Retro couples didn’t necessarily want to participate in each others hobbies.

   Charlotte, N.C., relationship expert Kathy Stafford recommends that couples keep close ties with their same-sex friends throughout marriage. “My parents had separate interests. Dad belonged to a men’s club, and Mom belonged to a ladies-only club. This gave them both time to cultivate their own interests, and they weren’t totally reliant on each other for their entertainment.”

5. Look Sharp

   How did June Cleaver do it? She always looked impeccable when serving dinner to Ward and the kids.

   Les Parrott, PhD, and professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University, says you can inspire romance by dressing up for the occasion. “With our hectic schedules, it’s tempting to resort to sweatpants all weekend or immediately changing into a ratty T-shirt after work. Instead, dress up the next time you and your spouse have dinner or plan a night out. Wearing a beautiful dress or a button-down shirt and slacks will be unexpected and make your partner feel special that you took the extra time to look nice. Taking time with your appearance inspires romance and shows your partner you care.”

   Rhonda Fine, PhD, a board-certified sexologist at the MIAMI Institute, agrees. “Never let yourself go. Look your best as often as possible, it will make your partner feel loved and proud.”

6. Don’t Go to Bed Angry

   Jackie Gleason may have wanted to “send Alice to the moon,” but the Honeymooners settled their quarrels before turning in for the night.

   The long-married Leeds are proponents of this wisdom. Even if you can’t resolve a disagreement before you hit the sheets, you can agree to let the anger go for the night. Remind each other how lucky you are — even as you disagree — to have each other to disagree with.

   “From the very beginning we decided that we didn’t want to go to bed angry,” Gerard Leeds writes. “And we seldom go to sleep without kissing each other good night.”

7. Hit the Dance Floor

   Ever notice how blissful couples look as they are twirling across the dance floor, entwined in each other’s arms like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers?

   There is a language of leading and yielding that dance teaches. Paul Bolotovsky is the owner of the Manhattan-based Nightclub Dance Series, an instructional dance series that teaches men and women how to dance in nightclubs. He says that putting on your dancing shoes can put the sizzle back into a relationship that has fizzled.

   “The old days of ballroom dancing and swing have a lot to offer today’s couples,” , “The touch, teamwork, energy, music, anticipation, and companionship are all wonderful byproducts after a night of dancing.” Don’t fret if you have two left feet; even “contemporary” dancing” is a way to spend fun time together.

8. Have Couples Fun

   Bridge and pinochle were common activities shared by our parents and their friends. So was cocktail hour and formal anniversary celebrations with like-minded couples.

   Fine says, “Play board games with other couples! It’s fun and a great way to be social with others and playful with one another.”

   Parrott says it is important to identify friends who are healthy additions to your social circle. “Your goal is to become close with other couples with similar standards and interests who have positive attitudes about marriage and family life. Gravitate toward fun couples who make you feel supported and enhance your active, healthy lifestyle. Friends like these are good for your marriage and overall well-being.”

9. Give Compliments

   To give a compliment, you’ve got to pay attention — really notice something about someone. Remember how Carol and Mike Brady, the happily married matriarch and patriarch of The Brady Bunch, lavished them on each other?

   If it’s been a while since you’ve doled out flattering praise, try it.

   Tessina notes that it costs nothing to say, “You look good,” “You did a great job,” or “I like your shirt.” Yet compliments can really reassure and pump up your spouse.

10. Hold Hands

    Back in our parents’ time, hand-holding and discreet pecks on the cheek were the tasteful, chaste displays of affection.

    Although anything goes these days, Morley-Ball encourages couples to simply hold hands in public. “[It] affirms to everyone your undying affection and love for each other. [It] shows everyone that you are proud to be with each other and you want everyone to know it.”

    Tessina echoes this sweet sentiment. “There’s an actual electrical connection that passes between us when we touch. You can use that electrical connection to provide juice in your marriage. Give each other little pats and gentle touches and hold hands frequently when you’re walking or driving and you’ll keep the energy — and the sweetness — flowing between you.”

11. Cut Back on Complaints

    Yesteryear’s couples had a comic reputation for nagging — think of The Dick Van Dyke Show — yet, in truth, many partners often held their tongues.

    Real thinks a stumbling block in modern marriages is a constant soundtrack of discord. “Our generation thinks that closeness comes from sharing everything, letting each other know how miserable you are. But it doesn’t motivate me to treat you better.”

    He says that relaying every annoyance is a bad idea. Instead, he recommends you pick your battles. “Not everything needs to be addressed.”

12. Try Thoughtful Little Acts

    Back in the day, with fewer stresses, limited technology and less multitasking, couples were more “present” in their relationships.

    “The presence of little, daily thoughtful acts showed caring and appreciation for one another,” says licensed clinical social worker Toni Coleman. “Things like making breakfast for your spouse or packing their lunch, bringing them coffee in the morning or a drink or glass of wine at the end of the day, warming up their car or putting their keys and other personal effects on the hall table, ready to go.”

    Real writes that sustaining a happy relationship, such as the Leeds’, requires careful thought, a generous spirit and hard work.

    “There’s a lot of wisdom [to be gained] from our parents or grandparents, he says.”They had companionship marriage, but we’ve raised the bar — we want romance, great sex, and more intimacy. We can reconcile these two approaches. With some of the gentleness and graciousness of previous generations with the technology and savvy of today’s marriages.”

“I almost deleted Ms. Right!”

As a single full-time father of two, I didn’t have time to go out and meet new people. And you get tired of the bar scene anyway. My best friend suggested Yahoo! Personals. I signed up just to see if I would get any replies.
When I started out, I was open to meeting all kinds of women, and my profile reflected that. But I found it difficult to connect with women who weren’t parents themselves. They just didn’t understand what I was going through.

Changed my profile

After a few months, I decided to be more specific. I updated my profile to say I wanted to meet only women who also had children. The responses slowed down, but those who did reply could relate to my situation.

Each week I received updates of potential matches and only emailed a few people. To be honest, I was so busy that after a while I began deleting most of the updates. One day I received my update and marked it for deletion. For some reason I had to rush out of the house and never deleted the update. When I returned home and checked my email, I decided to look at the profiles on the update. As I read one, I was shocked. It was worded almost identically to mine. She was a single mother of two and wanted someone who understands children.
Fell in love with her personality

Fell in love with her personality

Sharolyn and I emailed each other for about two weeks and then exchanged numbers. That first night we talked from 9 until 3:30 in the morning. Every night for the next few weeks, we spoke on the phone for at least three hours. I fell in love with her personality before I ever met her in person. We finally set plans for our first date….WOW!!!! It was love at first sight for both of us. That night was the best night of my life. I had found the woman of my dreams.

Sharolyn and I were married on June 27. Now we live with our new family – her two kids and my two kids. I remember telling my mother, ‘I want to find someone who makes me forget about the everyday hustle and bustle, who makes me smile from ear to ear.’" I found her. Sharolyn inspires me. Ever since our first date, I have been writing poems to her about whatever is in my heart at the time.

Tips from Paul

Profile Creation: Use the "About Me" section in your profile to tell people who you really are. Write from the heart and show some feeling. Get specific about your likes and dislikes. You’ll attract more successful matches.

Dating for Single Parents: Let your relationship grow before introducing your children. When you do reach that point, kids are your best barometer if it’s "right." They will see the person for who they really are. My daughter was always jealous of the women I dated, but she warmed up to Sharolyn right away.

Read Your Matches By Mail: Check every email update. You just never know who you might find. Take it from me — I almost deleted Ms. Right!

Take Your Time: When you get many email responses quickly, it’s tempting to fall in love fast. Don’t jump into an exclusive relationship. Explore all your options – that’s what this is about, meeting new people.

Dating Online Story: “I never expected it to work so quickly, but it did.”

As a single man looking for love, I tried online dating sites, including Match.com and eHarmony, but had no luck. Then I was at a party and met a couple who were happy and engaged. Turns out they met through Yahoo! Personals. I thought, if they found each other, maybe I’ll try it. What did I have to lose?

I never expected it to work so quickly, but it did. The first thing I noticed with the Yahoo! Personals online dating service was how responsive everyone was — most of the single women I contacted emailed me back. All the single women that contacted me were friendly and willing to correspond. With the other online dating sites, I received fewer matches and fewer responses.

I corresponded with a few women, then I met Michelle. I found out she had viewed my profile so I wrote to her. I liked her profile, and she seemed like an interesting person — into alternative music and films, offbeat activities. And she was the right age (39) and attractive!

It was pretty quick and easy to get to know each other, by email and on the phone. After two weeks, we decided to rendezvous for cocktails. We met at Oliver’s Twist, a cocktail bar here in Seattle. It was pretty amazing and electric for both of us. She looked even better in person than she did in her dating profile photo. We were the perfect fit for each other. I immediately liked the way she carried herself and how she spoke. We stayed for quite awhile, chatting

We’re crazy in love after only two months. We’re together six out of seven nights. We like to explore the city, go to movies, and go out for dinner and cocktails. We both like to read so we shop in bookstores. I’m a huge thrift shopper, so I’ve gotten her involved in that. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing, we have a good time.

I am totally in love with the perfect woman. I can see a long-term relationship evolving and growing.
We were both single for a pretty long time before meeting each other. I just had really good luck meeting Michelle. We are so happy. It’s like a miracle.

Online Dating Tips from Gary:
1. Check out who has viewed your profile and contact them. Many singles don’t know you can do this.
2. Dedicate some time to online dating and use all the possible different ways to search for matches.
3. Don’t be too specific in your search or you won’t find your love matches. Be open to variety and choice.
4. Loosen up, let things happen. If you are too focused on finding the perfect "one," you probably won’t.

Online Dating Story: “It was a match made in heaven.”

By Jennifer H., 33, San Diego, CA

I married my high school sweetheart in New Jersey and the military brought us to San Diego. I was a military wife for 10 years, then suddenly my husband called it quits. He said he didn’t want to be married anymore. It was extremely shocking.

After the unexpected divorce and being left with two children (ages 2 and 4), I never thought I’d fall in love again. My heart was broken. Here I was, 33 years old with a child still in diapers, no family nearby to help, and working extra hard to pay the bills. At night when the kids were all tucked in, I decided to try online dating. I didn’t expect much since my profile included the fact that I had kids. Friends had mentioned Match.com, but the guys I met there just wanted to date; they weren’t serious about a long-term relationship. I also tried eHarmony — I figured all those questions would lead me to my perfect match, but they let me down too. Then I said, what the heck, I’ll try Yahoo! Personals.

After just a few days, I saw that Dave had peeked at my profile. I checked his profile and thought he was handsome. He had something special about the depth of his eyes. I saw someone so genuine and sincere. I thought, I gotta email this guy! To my surprise, he wrote back. We emailed for a week, then talked on the phone. We were both burned out on dating. I agreed to meet him for a date, on one condition — that we refer to it as a "non-date."

Our First Non-Date

We went to have a drink at sunset. It was like we were old friends catching up over the years. Then we went to Sunset Cliff and sat looking over the ocean and talked all through the sunset. We talked about families, careers, religion, our dreams for the future. I thought this guy’s great, but I was so jaded from previous dates that I held back, I wanted to see more. (Dave later told me that he knew I was the one when he first saw me!)

From then on, Dave and I were together all the time. Within a month, he met my kids and the mutual response was amazing! He doesn’t have any kids and always wanted some. We were having a wonderful time, but at the end of every date I wanted to take it slow. Dave didn’t know what to think of that and he’d ask the women he worked with, "What does this girl want?" I knew we had something special, but my heart was still not whole after the past 1 1/2 years of trying to conquer my feelings from the divorce. I thought, if it’s meant to be, he’ll understand. He’ll stick it out.

What was the turning point for me? Once I saw him with my kids, I knew it felt good and comfortable. He listened to them, he took their feelings into consideration. He was there for them, but he didn’t overstep his boundaries — I was still the parent. That wowed me. One day we were all together at an amusement park and I saw him turn into a little kid with my kids — riding go-carts, eating candy — and I just knew. I couldn’t believe the good connection we had, and then on top of that he wants to be part of my family! It was a match made in heaven.

Proposal at the Beach

Dave was the first guy I met on Yahoo! Personals. We met in August 2007, and in June 2008 he proposed to me. It was a total surprise. He had already spoken to his mom and asked if he could have the family diamond ring. We were on a regular date, walking on the beach. We sat down on a rock and he told me how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he couldn’t wait. It was a mix of total shock and happiness for me. I knew I wanted to marry him, but I didn’t know it would happen this fast. I said, "Yes!"

We are planning a May ’09 wedding at Sunset Cliff, the same spot where we had our first "non-date." We’re going to keep it small and the kids will be a big part of it. Dave said he’s marrying the whole package!

Online Dating Tips From Jennifer

1. For your first meeting, make sure you meet in a neutral environment and public place. Keep it brief, such as meeting for coffee rather than dinner.

2. Open your mind to what your ideal match is. I originally thought height was a big factor for me — I wanted a guy who was at least X" tall. But in the end, it wasn’t so important. Loosen up your requirements and you might meet the perfect mate.

Online Dating Story: “We both knew we had good chemistry.”

I came out of a passionless marriage that lasted 7 1/2 years and moved to the San Francisco Bay Area for my job from Las Vegas. I subscribed to Yahoo! Personals on July 4, 2007 and used the online dating service for three weeks. I found three potential matches. Jason was my third.

What convinced me to email Jason were the two paragraphs he wrote about himself.
It wasn’t really the content of his online profile, it was his dry sense of humor and intelligence that came through.
It wasn’t really the content of his online profile, it was his dry sense of humor and intelligence that came through. That’s what got me hooked. We exchanged several emails before we talked on the phone. The more I chatted with him, the more I realized he had everything I wanted. He was educated, passionate, and we shared common values.

Coincidences

Jason moved to San Francisco from LA for his job around the same time as me. What really caught my attention was when I found out that we came from the same hometown, San Diego. We’re only a year apart in age and our parents live about 15 miles apart in San Diego, but our paths never crossed.

The First Date

We walked from the front of his apartment to a hotel on the Embarcadero in San Francisco. We took an elevator up to a bar offering a panoramic view of the Bay. We had a couple drinks and started to get to know each other better. Then, we went to eat the most amazing calamari at a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. After dinner, we took a taxi to a club where we met up with his roommate/best friend. Then, we hopped back in a taxi to his place. He showed me his apartment in the Embarcadero, which also has an amazing view of the Bay. We ended up talking until 5 a.m.

A True Connection

At the time of our first date, we were both active in the dating scene and armed with our laundry list of "must-haves" vs. "negotiables." Yet, when we met, we didn’t need those dating lists anymore. We realized that the dating lists only work for the search of "Mr. and Ms. Right Nows" — you meet your matches, update your list, and move on. What we found was something so much more… a true connection. We both knew we had good chemistry — physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Two months after we met, we became an exclusive couple and were meeting each other’s parents. Our relationship became every romance novel, chick flick, and Cosmo article rolled up into one perfect match. The funny thing is that I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, because my divorce had finalized only a couple months before I found Jason. Yet,

Although we live in the same area, we would have never met each other if it wasn’t for Yahoo! Personals. He never came down to my neighborhood, and I never went to his part of town. We had completely different social lives: He likes the clubs and wine bars, whereas, I like the cafes and chic stores. Now, we stop by the wine bar on our way to the chic store!

What started off as "partners in crime" (as we coincidentally wrote in our emails) will soon turn into "partners for life" when we get married next year in California’s Wine Country.

Dating Advice: 9 Steps to Flirting Success

STEP 1: Learn the Art of Eye Contact
Don’t shy away from staring him down, but do it the right way. Ease into it by practicing triangular gazing, where you look at one eye, then the other, then at his mouth. Strauss says practicing this for just a day will get you ready to start learning to interact with single men you’re attracted to. Once you’ve locked eyes, keep looking: one study showed that it takes about 13 glances before the average guy approaches a woman!

STEP 2: Practice Small Talk
Before you approach a guy you’re into, make sure you’ve got the basics of small talk down. "Challenge yourself to go out and make small talk with five strangers today," advises Strauss. "Don’t worry about whether they’re people you want to date. Approach grandfathers, other women, someone who’s not your type, whomever you come across. It’ll help you adjust to stepping out of your comfort zone."

STEP 3: Perfect Your Body Language
Want to get under his skin? "Get just a centimeter into a guy’s comfort zone, and look up at him with big eyes," says Strauss. The no- fail move? "Put your chest out, chin down, eyes high in the socket, head slightly tilted, and your weight on one foot. That’s important. If your feet are planted, they feel the resistance, just as much as they would if you had your arms crossed." Practice makes perfect — you might look like a cross-eyed chicken at first, but get it down right and it’ll make him crazy.

STEP 4: Don’t Think Before You Speak
Don’t think too long before you open your mouth or it’ll come off unnatural and awkward. "People sense it when something sounds too premeditated; that makes them uncomfortable," Strauss says.

STEP 5: Ask for Help
When it comes to conversation starters, asking for his help or opinion is a sure thing, says Strauss. "Maybe it’s some article from a women’s magazine that offers some kind of advice and you want to know if he agrees with it or not. Or maybe: ‘It’s my cousin’s birthday and I want to buy him a CD, but his taste hasn’t evolved since the 80’s. Any suggestions?’ Or maybe your friend just got a three-legged cat and you need a name for it."

STEP 6: Set a Time Limit
Within the first 60 seconds of your conversation, Strauss says, immediately mention that you have some kind of time constraint, whether or not you do.

STEP 7: Neg Him
The trick when you’re flirting, Strauss says, is "figuring how to keep a balance between being engaging enough to retain someone’s attention and not seeming overly available." Tease him a little and call him out by saying something like, "Oh sure you do…"

STEP 8: Lower Your Expectations
Flirt for the sake of flirting. "If you meet a high-quality guy and you’re really attached to the idea of him being your boyfriend, that pressure — that neediness — is something he’ll sense," Strauss warns.

STEP 9: Make It Fun — for You
Make it about you, not about him. "If it seems like you’re trying too hard, whatever you’re doing will come across as desperate," Strauss says. His advice? "Think: ‘I’m fun. I’m cool. I radiate charisma, I am free to do whatever I want.’ The most important thing to remember while you’re doing all this flirting is to make it fun for yourself, because then it will be fun for the other person."